Just Sit, Relax, and Soak It In

Our culture tells us to constantly think about the future. As a child, you are asked what you want to be when you grow up. As a Freshman in college who has just started classes, you're asked what you are going to do when you graduate (in four years). When you start dating someone seriously, you're asked when you'll get married. When you get married, you're asked when you will start having kids.

In the last few weeks, I have had to go to academic counseling (where you kind of plan out your next few years and decide what you are going to study next semester) and have had to look through classes, times, schedules, teachers, job shifts, housing, financial aid and everything else for next semester... but I'm only half way through this semester!

So, because of all this, I have been worrying about the places I want to go, the classes I want to take, and many other things about the next four years.
Then, the other day, I got together with one of my Freshman American girlfriends and told her about all the things I'm thinking of doing in the next few years while I'm here at APU. She looked at me and said "What is up with you TCKs! You're all insane over-achievers! Do you do it on purpose to make us Americans look stupid?!?" She was (somewhat) joking, but it still made me sit down and think about it when I got home. And then God made a light bulb go on while I looked at all the things that I'd like to do and all the work it would take to do them. I realized that I really am an insane over-achiever! (Though I'd like to think of it as an over-excitement for learning and taking advantage of this time I have here). But yeah, I need to relax and take it easy. I do need to take advantage of my time here, but I also need to be realistic and make sure to keep myself sane. And, most importantly, I need to make sure to enjoy myself.

I don't know what to think about all this. I thought I had given up on planning my whole future "long ago" (at the age of 18) when I realized that all the plans I had made were not going as I thought and I needed to leave things in God's hands. God's the one who knows everything and has better plans for me than I could ever have.

I feel like our culture is very contradicting. We talk about "living in the moment" but we also want to plan every single part of our lives. I personally don't think many people really live in the moment. Or, at least, they don't enjoy their life now. They keep thinking about the future. And, really, I should not be saying "they" because I am in this group, too.

It's obvious God tells us to enjoy and focus on the present. Psalms 118:24, Matt 6:34, and Ecc 3:11 are just some examples.
Let's take His advise. I'm pretty sure He knows what He's talking about ;-)

I Like How God Speaks to Me Using My Mouth

A few days ago I was Skyping with one of my really good friends who's really more like a brother to me than just a friend. We were talking about the passage where Jesus says to leave your family to follow Jesus. Both of us felt a little uncomfortable with that because we know from personal experience and from others' experiences that sometimes our families really need us and we can't just leave them.
While talking with him, a thought came to my mind which then surprised the both of us because it makes sense. Not that I'm saying this is definitely what Jesus meant, but this is my interpretation of it: Jesus tells us to give up our family and follow Him which to me means to take our families away from the center of our lives, away from our focus and to put Jesus as the focus of our lives and our priority over everything else. However, all throughout the Old and New Testament, God calls us to take care of those in need (such as the orphan, the widow, the stranger, the poor), to love our neighbor as ourselves. And our "neighbors," really, are everyone. So, in that case, I feel like as long as Jesus is at the center of our lives, if our parents and family are needy then they are indeed the neighbors we must love and take care of. Of course, if we strongly feel like God is calling us to be somewhere else and do something completely different, then we must do what we are told and trust God. God wouldn't lead us away from the needy and not take care of them. Others will be sent to take care of our families if we are sent somewhere else. God does not abandoned his beloved.
I love having deep conversations with people. God always ends up speaking to me either through me or the other person I am talking with. It's amazing how He wants to be involved in every part of our lives, even in conversations we have with others.

The Ten Commandments Given By a Jealous God

For homework, I had to read the section called "Commandments" in Kathleen Norris' book Amazing Grace and I really liked what this chapter talked about. Norris gave examples of how Christians are very "adept, and remarkably inventive, at interpreting God’s commandments to cover just about anything they don’t approve of." One example of this was her Grandfather who, as a Methodist pastor in the 1920s and 1930s, was fired from one of his first churches in West Virginia for playing hymns on the banjo with the youth group and teaching them to play dominoes. Somehow playing the banjo and dominoes broke God's commandments.
This, therefore, made Norris dread the Ten Commandments and the word that made her cringe was "jealousy." Then, however, she says, "I have begun to see the commandments in the light of an underlying covenant, as essential to the relationship that God is establishing with Israel, and with us."

The author continues by explaining that "human jealousy is a sign of fear. Often, it indicates immaturity, or a maladaption of the ability to love. God’s jealousy is a diffirent matter, more like mother-love, the protective zeal of a lioness or mother bear for her young. The word 'jealousy' has its root in 'zealous,’ denoting extreme enthusiasm and devotion, and God’s jealousy retains the word’s more positive aspects. It helps us to trust. Who, after all, would trust a God, a parent, spouse, or lover, who said to us, 'I really love you, but I don’t care at all what you do or who you become'?"
We have "a jealous God, who loves us enough to care when we stray. And who has given us commandments to help us find the way home." I like that description of the Ten Commandments. =)

God's Desire

Chocolate, hot tea, new clothes, nice food, jewerly and all the other "typical" material gifts that others want are nice and I enjoy them, but they're not the best gifts in the world for me. The greatest gifts for me are friends/family and nature. And God knows that.

It's so beautiful how our Father wants to give us gifts. Every day He gives us the gift of life and many little and big gifts that we aren't even aware of. And then there are extraordinary gifts that we cannot not notice. Every time God gives me such a gift I feel overwhelmed by His love for me. I mean, it truly is amazing that the Creator of the universe cares about giving me joy in all the moments He knows I need it most. He has done so many times in the last half year or so.

Last summer I  deeply wished to go to Italy to see the country and friends whom I love who I had not seen in three years. I wanted to see them again before leaving to go back to the States, but I was pretty sure that it was not going to happen because I had no money. Well, God knew how much I wanted to go and He also knew that though I kept praying that it would be possible, I kind of had given up. And yet he surprised me by making it possible! My parents raised the money for me to go and gave it to me at my 21st birthday party. It was a wonderful gift =) And it was so good for my heart and soul to be back in the country I had grown up in, to experience the culture that I had once called my own, and to spend time with friends whom I consider family.

In the fall, I again hoped that I could go somewhere, but, not having found a job (and I applied to 6 different ones!), I was almost to the point of thinking it wasn't going to happen. What I had wanted to do was to spend Christmas vacation on the East coast with my relatives. I hadn't seen my four grandparents, my other relatives, and friends from my parents' home church, in a year and a half/two years and really wanted to spend time with all of them. Again, God surprised me by having my relatives offer to cover my expenses! My time on the East coast was really nice and it was fun to have a white Christmas again (which I definitely would not have had if I had staid in California) =)
During this semester, at different particularly hard times when I really wanted to be in Portugal to be there for my family, God gave me two trips in nature with great people. I was able to go to Santa Barbara where I got to see and walk in the ocean, saw friends who had lived in Portugal, and went to a The Way Much concert; then I got to go up in the mountains with the TCK group on my campus. I really love the ocean and the mountains. I adore nature in general, really. It's healing, refreshing, it gives me peace, it reminds me God's got everything in control and everything's going to be okay. And it was SO nice to spend time with friends.

And now, this past weekend, after a year and a half being away, I went back to Chicago to visit many friends whom I consider family and to be there for my old roommate's wedding! Again, I did not think I was going to be able to go because of finances, but one of my best friends in Chicago raised the money for me (unbeknown to be) in less than a week and bought my ticket for me! It was ever so nice to be back in Chicago! So, in the last 7 months or so I have been able to go back to all of the places I call home (Italy, Pennsylvania, and Chicago), other than where my parents live, and it has only been possible thanks to God's wonderful provision!

Our God does want to challenge us, correct us, and help us grow, but that's what all parents do! He is our Father who wants the best for us and it does upset Him when we mess our lives up or do something wrong. But He wants to help us. God created us with emotions, feelings, and because He loves us so much, He desires to bless us by giving us little pleasures and joys that He knows are what our hearts truly need. God knew that during this time of change and moving I needed to have time with my families and see my homes again. How awesome is that?!?

Thank you God for taking care of me!
How can I NOT trust my God who knows everything that's best for me?

Being Missionary Kids

This past weekend I was on another Third Culture Kid retreat which always come at the right time for me. I really enjoy them. It's so nice to be with others who understand you more than anyone else. It feels safe and comfortable.

My friend Marie and I have been going through some similar struggles: we worry about our families back "home" and we've been worrying about them even more than before because of events that happened during Christmas Break.

Our families are quite different, but they are both missionaries and they're both getting worn out -- a common occurrence among those involved in missions.

Marie's family lives in Nigeria, her sibling go to an International Christian school where her mom works and her dad is a doctor. The thing is, they are living is Jos, the city which is right in the middle of a war. The Muslims in the North of the country are trying to take over the Christians in the South and both parties are fighting for Jos. While Marie was visiting her family during Christmas break bombs went off just down the street from where they live; they could hear and see it from their house. Marie's father took in a flood of people, many of whom he had to amputate. I can't remember when exactly she said the bombings happened but I'm pretty sure they were on Christmas Eve and again a few days later. She told me no one went to church on Christmas Eve and Christmas 'cause everyone was scared they'd get bombed. The pastors were actually telling their congregations not to go. Bombings have kept going on and Marie's parents aren't sure how much more they can take while her siblings, however, are all used to it. At least they're all safe.

My family is in Portugal. Ever since I can remember, my mom has had Fibromyalgia, a chronic disease that makes her whole body be in pain all the time and, depending on the weather and what she is doing, the pain can worsen, causing her to have to stay in bed. Last June, my parents and siblings moved in with some friends and the two families have been looking for another place to live in ever since then because the house they are currently in is too small, among other things. They still haven't been able to find a house. They keep searching, because soon (in about a month) my parents need to leave for the States for four months, so they want to move before that, as soon as possible. In addition to their on-going result-less search, the weather has been terrible, making my mother feel miserable. And let's not forget the robbery that happened three days before Christmas in which my parents' laptops, money, documents, phones, and other valuables were stolen. All of my parents' work is on laptops, so getting things done has been hard because where they are living at the moment there is only one computer for 7 people. The loss of their Italian driver's licenses and their Portuguese residency papers is a big deal too, not only because they need those documents to be able to drive and live in the country legally, but also because bureaucracy in Southern Europe is terrible and so, for the last month, they've been trying to get a hold of someone who can help them, but the process is very complicated. The mixture of trying to get documents back, finding a house, trying to organize their trip to and time in the States, and the everyday bad weather is very discouraging and stressful.

Our parents are going through very different struggles but they are both very stressful hardships nonetheless and we both know fully well how they're affecting our parents. Marie and I both wish we could help in some way, but we know we're where God has called us to be and we know that no matter what, God is taking care of our families. It's still hard to hear about all this stuff from so far away and it gets hard to think about the fact that these are people working for God and yet it seems God's not helping them at all at this time (though, of course, He is, and we know it).
So Marie and I both pray for each other and our families and we ask each other how we're doing and how our families are doing.

The exciting thing is that we are also both here, at Azusa Pacific University to get our degrees so that we can help others going through situations we experienced ourselves. I am studying to be a teacher so I can teach at International Christian schools, helping students have the best education I can possibly give them and also being there for fellow MKs (Missionary Kids) going through rough times (which I'm discovering more and more happens to every MK). I would love to teach elementary/middle school and be a youth group leader for high school students. Marie is studying to be a psychologist so that she can work with missionaries and either help during burn outs or prevent them altogether from happening because she (and I both) knows that there are SO MANY missionaries that get burned out who consequently leave the mission field forever and are heavily affected by they crash. The sad thing is that many times there is no one there who helps these missionaries.

I am excited to see how almost all of my fellow Missionary Kid friends are all studying to be able to do something about things that through our own experiences we know need help. One friend of mine here who grew up in South Africa and is only 19 is going to be graduating in May and is going to go work with AIDS affected children in Zimbabwe. Another friend of mine is in the nursing program so that she can some day go to places in the world that have no people with medical background and be able to help them. And another friend of mine feels called to settle here in the States (even though she wants to travel and live abroad) and support missionaries around the world.

The more I think about all the missionary kids out there who are doing something wonderful in the world or who are preparing to go out there and start something that will change things, the more excited I get. Of course I'm not saying that Missionary Kids are better than everyone else and that we are going to completely change the world and make it all better; the Bible tells us that things will just keep getting worse. But I feel like, with the experience we've already had, and the passion we have to change or help things we know very well about, God is going to lead us to do great things! It will definitely not be easy, but we already know that and we have the tools that others before us didn't have. So, hopefully, with a lot of God's help, we can bring change to this world in some small ways and inspire others to do so as well.

May we all be open to and passionate about whatever God calls us to do, no matter how insignificant it seems! 

Here's a picture taken during the retreat of my friends and I contemplating God's wonderful creation (click on it to see it bigger.)

Reflections From My Weekend Away

A string of stones hangs from my neck:
Stones of difference shapes and sizes,
Stones with different names and weights...
I know these aren't my stones,
and yet I keep them close,
they're held together by my sadness and guilt.

I'm told these aren't my burdens to bear,
but I back away and hold on to them tight on my chest.
A hand takes mine and I'm told it's okay.
We're both crying and I collapse,
but the hand slowly lifts the necklace of stones off my neck
and replaces it with one of pearls.

"I know you're sad about the hardships of others,
I know it's difficult to watch them
and not be able to help...
But instead of collecting other people's stones,
try giving others your pearls.
I didn't bring you here to wallow in guilt,
I brought you here to live fully with others,
to live fully with Me."

I stand back up and wash my tears away;
I look in the mirror and see my pearls:
they're beautiful and light and shiny.
Okay,
I'm ready to give these away.